As I was listening to the end of the audiobook of The Tech-Wise Family by Andy Crouch, he mentioned that if there was one book that you should read after his, it would be Sherry Turkle’s Reclaiming Conversation. Since I enjoyed The Tech-Wise Family so much, I asked for Reclaiming Conversation for Christmas. I am quite glad that I did. It did not disappoint. There was so much good stuff in the book that it’s hard to pick out the parts to share here!
What You Need to Know
While this is a book about conversation, it is inextricably connected with technology. While technology does help us connect with others at times, it also, and Turkle suggests more often, impedes our ability to have deeper connections with our friends, family, and coworkers. Throughout the book, Turkle points to various interactions where we can see what we, our kids, or our friends are missing out on.
Reclaiming Conversation is formatted using Henry David Thoreau’s idea of three chairs. One chair pertains to self-conversation like meditation. Are you able to sit still regularly? Have you considered that always having your phone accessible may be interfering with your ability to think deeply about yourself and your life?
Two chairs is the conversation between two people mainly like friendship and romance. This section was fascinating, especially when she discussed romance. One man discusses his entire relationship through all of their arguments through text message. While that typically worked for him, whenever they were together in person, the magic wasn’t there in the same way. These chapters were captivating.
Three chairs points to conversation in the education and work environment. In both of these sections, I could see myself in a lot. Whenever I would take my laptop to class, I would always be less engaged in the class discussion, whether it was because I had access to fantasy football information or I was trying to type out every word the professor said. The work environment is more applicable than ever with a lot of people telecommuting. Unfortunately, Turkle doesn’t have a lot of positive things to say about not working together in the same location.
For the last section, Turkle discusses a potential fourth chair. Siri, anyone?
What I Think You Should Know
As an MIT professor, Turkle writes well and is accessible for the everyday reader. There are plentiful examples using everyday people that allow the arguments to be placed in their proper place and settings. A lot of the reading came to life for me through all of the examples. It definitely reminded me of past situations involving family and friends.
While I was reading Reclaiming Conversation, the COVID-19 pandemic was happening and, for the first six weeks, we had a friend staying with us. It was a fun time. One night, all three of us were having a conversation and an issue came up for dispute about a time and place. All three of us shot off into the social media sphere to discover the answer. This ended up taking fifteen minutes or so. Once I found the answer, I informed the others and then we sat there. Conversation was over. We were in our own silos with the new, yet irrelevant, information we found on our technological hunt. This was exactly the kind of mindless situation Turkle discourages in the book. The information we found wasn’t worth severing the conversation.
Reclaiming Conversation is not necessarily a quick read, as it’s fairly long (365 pages) and there’s a lot of information to consider. However, I found it to be a lot of fun, informative, and thought-provoking. Do yourself a favor and pick it up. Even if it takes you a bit to get through it, your family and friends will thank you.
How I Scored It
Reclaiming Conversation was thought-provoking for not only my family life, but also for my work life. It touched many areas and helped me consider the proper usage of my technology, but also what I am missing out on by losing opportunities for conversation. There is a good chance that I re-read Reclaiming Conversation down the road.
How About a Taste
“Face-to-face conversation unfolds slowly. It teaches patience. We attend to tone and nuance. When we communicate on our digital devices, we learn different habits. As we ramp up the volume and velocity of our online connections, we want immediate answers. In order to get them, we ask simpler questions; we dumb down our communications, even on the most important matters. And we become accustomed to a life of constant interruption.”[1]
“We imagine (as when the mother of three describes “screening” a political speech at a family dinner) that bringing out a phone will enhance conversation. And sometimes it does. Sometimes it does. But more often, once a phone is out, it is hard to resist the temptation to also check our email. Or we notice that a text has come in. And we give it a quick response. When we have out phones in our hands, we are invited to stay in the world of our phones. Our phones give the false sense of demanding little and giving a lot. One of the most consistent lessons I have learned from studying families: We have to be more compassionate with ourselves. We are vulnerable. Our phones exert a strong holding power and we want to stay with them. But our families need us.”[2]
“In fact, technology brings significant complications to the conversation of modern romance. We feel we have permission to simply drop out. It encourages us to feel that we have infinite choice in romantic partners, a prospect that turns out to be as stressful as it is helpful in finding a mate. It offers a dialogue that is often not a dialogue at all because it is not unusual for people to come to online conversations with a team of writers. You want a team because you feel you are working in an unforgiving medium. Timing matters and punctuation counts!”[3]
“Remember the power of your phone. It’s not an accessory. It’s a psychologically potent device that changes not just what you do but who you are.”[4]
[1] Sherry Turkle, Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age (New York, NY: Penguin Books, 2015), 35.
[2] Ibid., 124.
[3] Ibid., 180
[4] Ibid., 319.